I’M SO SICK OF THIS FAKE LOVE
ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ sᴏ ʙᴀᴅ, ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ sᴏ ʙᴀᴅ
널 위해 예쁜 거짓을 빚어내
ʟᴏᴠᴇ ɪᴛ’s sᴏ ᴍᴀᴅ, ʟᴏᴠᴇ ɪᴛ’s sᴏ ᴍᴀᴅ
날 지워 너의 인형이 되려 해
ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ sᴏ ʙᴀᴅ, ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ sᴏ ʙᴀᴅ
널 위해 예쁜 거짓을 빚어내
ʟᴏᴠᴇ ɪᴛ’s sᴏ ᴍᴀᴅ, ʟᴏᴠᴇ ɪᴛ’s sᴏ ᴍᴀᴅ
날 지워 너의 인형이 되려 해
ɪ’ᴍ sᴏ sɪᴄᴋ ᴏғ ᴛʜɪs ғᴀᴋᴇ ʟᴏᴠᴇ, ғᴀᴋᴇ ʟᴏᴠᴇ, ғᴀᴋᴇ ʟᴏᴠᴇ
ɪ’ᴍ sᴏ sᴏʀʀʏ ʙᴜᴛ ɪᴛ’s ғᴀᴋᴇ ʟᴏᴠᴇ, ғᴀᴋᴇ ʟᴏᴠᴇ, ғᴀᴋᴇ ʟᴏᴠᴇ
ғᴀᴋᴇ ʟᴏᴠᴇ | ʙᴛs
.•♫•♬• 나를 봐 나조차도 버린 나 •♬•♫•.
Extremely personal art that I was finally, finally able to do, after coming up with the concept while I was in the hospital over a year and a half ago. It used to just be too triggering to listen to this song (and recently I had a stint where I couldn't listen to BTS at all for other reasons) and the visual material was just too distressing as well.
Finally, I'm at a point in my recovery where I can listen to this song again without being triggered, and I can draw this very, very personal piece.
I was introduced to this song while extremely ill; right before I entered inpatient treatment...and I came to associate it really heavily with my relationship with anorexia: My love for it, its love for me--or its use as a surrogate for love. It became a bit of a...not recovery anthem necessarily, but a recognition anthem, maybe. A "I'm-not-buying-this-bullshit-until-I-die,-I-can-see-the-truth-now" anthem.
Some of the lyrics just... hit.
"I wanna be a good man (just for you) / I gave you the world (just for you) / I changed everything (just for you) / Now I dunno me"
I traded so much of my life, and the parts of it that made me "me," for my ED. It was my identity as an artist alone that I refused to lose and that helped me choose recovery. But otherwise, I really barely recognized myself. ("Now I don’t even know who I used to be / So I ask the mirror, who are you?")
There are more lyrics that resonate; the portion up top I chose specifically--but I don't need to write it all out. It was all fake love. I didn't love my ED, and it was no replacement for love or security. I'm doing so much better, and I owe so much to the people who have supported me over the past year. Recovery has been long and rocky and rough, but real love has guided me along it and gotten me to where I can listen to songs I thought I'd lost forever and draw a picture like this without wanting it. Thank you to the people who have stuck by me this whole, hard time.
((K-O also struggles with an eating disorder, and when he starts recovery, on the surface, it's for that. But he, like me, will end up healing from more than just AN; he'll receive help for the other things he struggles with, too. And he'll get better. Real love wins out for everyone. I promise 💗))